What my period of intentional celibacy taught me about the long game of longing.
Our Altar from the Pleasure Liberation Retreat.
On the Full Moon back in February, during a meditation I received a very clear message from my body that it was time to take a period of intentional abstinence from sexual activity with others. Weird for a sexologist, eh? Well… not really. Let me explain.
So, the moon (Soma) told me through my body (Soma) that a container of “no sex” was needed for ME in my particular journey. At the time I had to simply trust that. I had a cheeky running joke with my friends and lovers that I was a “celibate sexologist.” The irony was comical, but also pointed to something deeper: Sexology, and specifically the way that I do this work, is NOT about “more more more sex.”
I do not subscribe to the capitalist mindset that more is always better. This work is about listening to the wisdom of the body and trusting it, even if we don’t have the “why” behind it yet. I say this because Pleasure Liberation is NOT about who you’re fucking, how many people you’re fucking, or how often you’re fucking. I am not prescribing abstinence, or polyamory, or hookup culture, or monogamy, or anything in between, to my clients and students. I am inviting them to slow down enough to root deeply into their own intuition and body wisdom. Then, trusting it and making decisions from that place.
Last night I did my own New Moon Ritual to step out of this cocoon of intentional time that I wrapped myself in three months ago. Here is one key thing that happened during those 3 moon cycles:
Basecamp for the Pleasure Liberation Retreat that took place in May 2026
My personal journey with intentional abstinence, while still maintaining my romantic relationships, turned into a potent time to be in relationship with desire.
The word desire can be triggering in our culture. We jump to the conclusion that it means craving. Or that tracking desire is the same as chasing dopamine hits. When I speak of the importance of authentic desire (sexual, sensual, romantic, and beyond), I am speaking of the power of owning and naming what the fuck we really truly want in our life.
We can have a craving for a surface-level “fix,” but rushing to the instant gratification that our capitalist culture LOVES to sell us actuallyrobs us ofthe delicious and erotic tension that forms between you and the subject of such a longing.
The collision between you and that which you long for is not the point; the tension, and what that tension does to change you, is the point.
Instant gratification also robs us of the the delicious process of discovering the deeper longing that runs below the surface of every desire. Engaging with the energy of the desire is the process that points us toward a more deeply nourishing longing. One that goes beyond external stimulus, scenarios, situations, objects, or even people—and straight into the bones of what we long to actually embody within ourselves.
It is about the journey, not the destination, right? Yet, the allure of bypassing the journey is strong enough that on a larger scale, our culture is willing to suck the landscape dry so that we can just have Chat GPT figure it all out for us.
The curse of convenience forces us into behaviors that also rob us of the delicious and erotic tension between you and the life that you want to create, which can only TRULY be created through the journey itself.
Through the ways that you must grow, mature, and integrate the lessons that roll off the tongue easily but feel impossible to practice.
Through the unrequited love you have for that not-too-distant-but-just-far-enough version of your life that compels you to change and act in a way that is different then who you are now.
The creative process lives in the tension that lies in the nooks and crannies between us and our longings. This is how worlds are created and destroyed.
The sweet aspen grove we were nestled in during the Pleasure Liberation Retreat.
I took a full moon cycle of intentional celibacy. That then turned into three moon cycles of engaging with the energy of desire. Desire acting as fuel for asking the question: what is the deeper longing here? Is it belonging? Pleasure? Connection? Then, letting the energy of that desire ripen into something more true to my whole self.
There is a whole lot more that came up during that time, which I will get more into in future musings.
Desire is one of the core themes that we work with in the Pleasure Liberation method, which we explored in the recent May retreat. If this conversation resonates, I invite you to consider working with me one-on-one. Fall dates for another retreat will be released soon, if you prefer to explore these topics in community—stay tuned!